


Pearl Eats A Thing

by TeamUnitedNerds



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 16:18:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3698852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamUnitedNerds/pseuds/TeamUnitedNerds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl eats a thing. Do not read if you are Australian or Danish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pearl Eats A Thing

This was written before Story for Steven, so I'm sure it'll probably be like 500% inaccurate before you read it. It's also pretty much just a straight-up crackfic. It's also got swearing and gross stuff, so you have been warned, dear reader. 

 

Rose was a member of the Crystal Gems, an extraterrestrial group dedicated to protecting Earth from other, evil gems. Rose had done something quite unheard of, getting romantically involved with a human. Sure, Greg Universe was a little... quirky seemed to be the most polite way of putting it, but he was also adorable, and kind-hearted. 

She had set up a dinner, to introduce Greg and his family to the kind of family she had created with the Crystal Gems, and to introduce the gems to Greg and his family.

Garnet, the large gem with dark-red skin, a pair of yellow-tinted shades, and a cube-shaped afro that was basically a giant "Fuck you" to gravity, sat at the far end of the table. Pearl, meanwhile, the lithe, bird-nosed gem, sat on her left, and Amethyst, the short, chubby, purple-skinned gem sat to her right. Rose, the elegant woman who had to be at least a solid 8 feet tall, with hair so gorgeous it could only be described by words that I probably don't even know the meaning of, sat at the head of the table, with Greg at her right. 

On her left were Greg's parents, his grandfather, who basically looked like a cascades of white hair, with a pair of eyes and pale lips peaking through, and his mother, a sweet old lady with curly grey hair, who looked as though she had gone on a drug drip in the 60s that had never quite ended. Rose had set up food across the entire table, including for the gems, who biologically, didn't really need to eat. It was more of a gesture than anything, trying to give Greg and his family a sense of normality, something to ground them, considering the whole dating-an-alien situation. 

Rose stood to her feet, casting a shadow, but also a glow (The glow is metaphorical, the shadow is literal, because, I mean, damn, she's like a fricking basketball player. And also canonically fat, fuck you). One by one, she introduced the gems to Greg's side of the table. "This is Garnet" she said, in her voice that could end wars. "Amethyst, and Pearl" she turned to the Gems' side of the table. "And this is Monty Verse, and Cornelia Uni, and their son, Greg Uni-Verse, my boyfriend"

Monty mumbled something, inaudible beneath his beard, that was either "You know, I always knew Greg would end up with a thick alien lady, after all those graphic novels he read about it," or "Can someone pass me the turkey" or possibly something disparaging towards the Danish. 

Garnet was the second to speak, saying "At what point are you planning to combine into one being who is both strong enough to crush your enemies and created from enough love to provide eternal bliss and unity" in her monotone voice, that sounded quite British, but was actually Northeast Gemworldian. Please check your anthropocentrism at the door.

Greg scratched the back of his head nervously. "Uh, is that what you Gems call..."

Rose interrupted him. "Me and Greg haven't gotten a chance to discuss the possibility of fusion yet, but it's a conversation we'll have in the near future, right Greg?"

Greg was already bright red. Redder than usual. As Greg was usually a pretty red guy. Also a rad guy. Just throwing that in there. 

Pearl was the next to talk. "Actually, Rose, I was wondering when you would decide on your expression of physical intimacy with Greg. I've done extensive reach on human reproductive rituals, and I actually made a diagram, and a list of activities that can intersect the needs of both human and gem"

"So, uh, how about this food?" Greg said, desperately trying to change the subject. He took a leg off of the turkey, and handed it to his dad, while reminding him that the Danish are a decent people, and that he was only holding those comic books for a friend.

Rose also took a bit of food for herself, which was unusual for a Gem, but again, this was all diplomacy, in an effort to bridge the gap between gem, human, and whatever variety of hairy hippy yeti that Morty was.

Out of respect for humanity, and for their leader, Garnet and Amethyst helped themselves too. Actually, Amethyst's eating was less symbolic and more for the usual reasons. 

Pearl looked around, and decided, finally, to eat something herself. She had never eaten anything before, and had absolutely no idea how the mechanics of such an act would work. Nervously, she took a piece of bread, and stuffed it in her mouth, trying to mirror the motions that everyone else made while eating. She let the piece of bread hang in her mouth a bit, unsure what to do next. Greg looked over, and chuckled. "You know how to eat, right?"

Pearl shook her head. 

Greg laughed again. "It's simple, you just have to chew. You know, move your teeth up and down"

Pearl closed her eyes, and chewed, in a stiff, mechanical way. Her eyes immediately snapped open, a look of panic on her face. "It got all soft! It's disgusting! Did I do something wrong?" she began to grip at her own face.

"Nah, that's what's supposed to happen" Greg said. "Now you just have to swallow it"

"Do I have to?" Pearl said. 

"Well, you could always spit, but swallowing is a lot more respectful, right Rose?"

Rose nearly chocked on her food.

Pearl closed her eyes again, trying to calm herself through slow, peaceful thought. She gulped down hard, before immediately going back into freak-out mode, or, as it is more commonly known, Default Pearl. She clutched and clawed at her stomach, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "I can feel it inside of me!" she shouted. Somebody get it out!" she continued to paw at her stomach, before escalating even further, throwing herself onto the table, and flopping around like a fish. Or, a flying fish. Because flying fish fly like birds do, and Pearl is a very avian creature. Yeah. 

"Someone, please, get it out of me!" she begged. Garnet immediately snapped into action, grabbing a steak knife from the table, and holding it above Pearl, as if to perform some superficial ritual to keep the sun from swallowing up the world. Pearl continued to trash wildly. 

"I can't cut it out of you if you keep moving" Garnet said. She looked back at Greg and Rose, who were utterly horrified, Cornelia, who was off in her own world, and Monty, who she was beginning to doubt even had a real face. "Don't worry, she'll be able to regenerate herself afterwords" she said, calmly. "The pain will only last for a little bit, if I can cut through her in one go"

Rose sighed, gesturing for Garnet to sit back down. "Well, I suppose you should have known it would turn out this way. Gems, please return to the temple, and Uni-Verse family, I'm very sorry"

Cornelia didn't respond, still in a daze, and Monty said something that was very clearly "Fuck the Aussies, and thank you Ms. Quartz, this really wasn't a trouble"

Rose turned to Greg. "How about we give Pearl's diagrams a look? After, of course, Pearl finishes up with the digestion and defecation process"

"The what?" Pearl shouted.

The gems reunited back at the temple, and the night ended with Pearl, sitting on the toilet, massive tears swelling up in her eyes. Rose was sitting next to her, on a stool, gently stroking her hand. "Pearl, everything is going to be alright" she whispered. 

"Why is this happening? Why would anyone go through this?"

From the other side of the door came a slamming sound, and a voice, of a familiar purple-skinned gem. "Hey Pearl, speed it up in there! I gotta take a dump, and I think this one is gonna break some world records!"


End file.
